What carried me through my divorce

This is the story of my divorce and how God has carried me through it. Even though it was final at the end of February, I haven’t written about this yet because I didn't how to gracefully address it. Then, recently when I was talking to a mentor, she suggested that I write it all out so that I can see and remember just how strongly I felt the presence and protection of God. So, here we go.

About a year ago, my now ex-husband told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay married anymore. Things had not been great between us for a while, and he wanted to end them before they got worse. You could have knocked me over with a feather – I was so surprised to hear those words coming out of his mouth. I knew things weren't perfect, but thought were just in a slump. But God took over and we had a calm conversation about the state of marriage. He agreed to try counseling, but after six months, he remained convinced that we could not work through our irreconcilable differences.

He told me of his ultimate decision the night before we were scheduled to leave on an 8-day Christmas trip with our daughter. On our counselor’s advice, we decided to go on the trip together with Diana to give her one last nice memory before we split. I asked him to leave the room and hit my knees, crying out to God to take the pain from me and to give me the grace and strength I would need to go through the trip and the fallout when we returned. I stayed on my knees, face down, arms outstretched, tears streaming, just repeating over and over, “you have to take this from me.”

And, then, He did.

A peace and comfort came over me that I have only felt a few other times in my life. In my core, I knew that God had indeed taken it from me and that I would be okay.

I called my best friend, Gail, to tell her that he had made his decision, and like she always has, she provided me the right guidance and counsel of how to survive the trip. She laid out the plan and promised she would be available for support all along the way. She was my rock in the months leading up to his decision, often making daily check-in’s, just to let me know she was there if I needed her. I am beyond grateful that God put her in my life all those years ago at Penn State. Who could have known what a big part in my life she would play?

Our trip was a cruise out of New Orleans, and we agreed that we would essentially divide the day to hang out with Diana individually, spending meals and the big excursions together. That gave us each space to be alone and to do what we needed to do.

On the first night on the boat, I checked the itinerary for the following day and saw that there was a support group on the boat that met daily. So, each day, I had a safe place to go where I could get the moral support I needed. I will probably never see those people again, but I am forever grateful to God that he put them on that trip to help support me.

We had internet on the boat, so I spent time during my alone time trying to handle the logistics of what we would do when we returned. My friend Kim, a family and divorce attorney, was one of the first people God put in my life when I moved to Birmingham in 2009, and she became one of my dearest friends. I reached out to her by email to have her start the paperwork that would officially divorce us. Kim was responsive and supportive and helped me to think through things I never would have, and I am incredibly grateful for the gentle and loving way she shepherded me through this process. By the time we got back to New Orleans, she had already started the process.

While on the boat, I also spent some time looking at living options for me and Diana. I had been looking at a new neighborhood near our current home for about a year, before any of this happened with my ex. I loved the houses and the amenities – and the amount of families with kids Diana’s age. I had been angling for us to sell our house and move to the new neighborhood but put it on pause when we started counseling. At night, on the boat, I scrolled through the houses available in that neighborhood and found one that was available immediately, with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, an office, a fenced-in yard and a front porch swing. As soon as I saw the photos, I knew that God was showing me the house where we would move.

My ex actually offered me the house and everything in it – he offered to move into a new apartment and get new furniture, essentially starting over. I just didn’t want to stay there – I hadn’t really loved the house to begin with, and now, with all of the memories in it, I couldn’t see myself staying there. So, while we were on the boat, I reached out to a former employee’s mom that is a well-known realtor in the area. Jeanie had always offered to help me if I ever needed it, so when I emailed her to explain the situation, she jumped into action. Who knew that when I hired her daughter all those years before that I would be starting a relationship with her mom, too? I am grateful that God saw fit to make that connection.

When we got back to Birmingham, things moved very quickly – so much so, that I really feel like God was guiding the whole thing. On the afternoon we returned, Diana went to stay with her Nana for a few days, so I went to look at the potential new house. It was even better in person than it was online. I asked the realtor that was showing me the house why it was available (because normally in this neighborhood, you have to buy the lot and then, build a home). She told me that the guy that originally built this house had put down his deposit and picked everything out, and then, got transferred for his job. So, the builder decided to complete the house and use it as a model for a little while – which made it available immediately. I felt badly for the guy that didn’t get to live in the house he designed, but I was grateful that God lined it up that there was something available right away that worked so well for me and Diana.

Then, I went to go get my tire fixed (because of course I had a flat tire in the midst of all of this, right?), but when I got to the car dealership, they were closed. I pulled up into the driveway to turn around and leave, but saw a man coming out to the gate. He waved me down and asked if I was okay. I explained the situation and said I would come back the next day, but he invited me in and fixed me up. When he was finished, I thanked him profusely, and he said, “something told me to look outside, and when I saw you, I knew I needed to help you.” Another God shot in the midst of the chaos.

I met with Jeanie the next day to walk through how to put the house on the market and to put in an offer on the new property. When she did the walk through on the house and showed me the comps, my heart sank. After commissions and the little bit of fixing up that I would need to do, I was only going to net about $1-2000. I decided to move forward anyway but was definitely disappointed. Then, when I reached out to my ex to ask him to sign the paperwork to put the house on the market, he offered that if I was just going to sell it, that he would keep it and make things easier. I was grateful that I wasn’t going to have to go through the hassle of putting the house on the market and all that comes with it.

Jeanie recommended a mortgage broker, Richard, who agreed to work with me, even though it was a holiday week. He said that it would be more complicated because we weren’t officially divorced yet, but that he would work with me as best he could. Then, when he ran my credit, we discovered that my name was not on the mortgage for the current house. I had completely forgotten about that! When we bought the current house, we had been in a major time crunch, and I was in a training class – so we put the mortgage in my ex’s name only so that I didn’t have to worry about any of the paperwork and documentation while I was in training. That had been six years before, but God had known that I would need to be debt free at a future date. Richard had the heart of a teacher and answered all my many questions – and got me qualified for the mortgage I needed in one day. A miracle, really.

Another interesting thing was that for the past several years, when I had gotten my bonus at work, I had wanted to pay down the mortgage on the house, but my ex had always balked at that. He wanted to keep it in an account so we had more options of how to use it if we ever needed it. I didn’t care enough to fight him on it, so now, when the time came to put a down payment on this new house and buy new furniture, I had the cash I needed to do that. God had seen fit to make sure I would have what I needed when the time came.

Now, I was faced with having to fill this house with furniture, something I have no talent for at all. I made a joke to my friend Allie that I wished that I could just tell someone what I needed, give them a budget and let them pick everything out – and she jumped at the chance. I couldn’t believe it – I had admired her style for years, and now, she volunteered to help me pick everything out. She asked me along the way what I preferred, but she just handled it. One night, she came over and showed me what she selected, and we bought it all in one fell swoop. She even coordinated all of the deliveries to arrive so that I could have everything ready when it was time to move Diana in too. (She even helped to assemble some of the furniture and loaned me her husband to mount my TV.). I am forever grateful for how she made this house feel like a home, and how she has supported me through this whole transition.

God continued to put people in my life at just the right time. As I shared with my friends and family about what was going on, they suited up and showed up in force. There was a guy on the moving crew from my church. My friend Kristy lets me sit with her family at church and nudged me gently into joining a small group. On my saddest days, other friends prayed over me and checked on me to make sure I was okay later. One group sent me a fantastic Valentine’s Day basket so I would know that I was loved. Other friends sent flowers on move-in day or brought meals to share at the new house. My former in-laws have remained in touch and continue to be the incredible and loving support they always have been. My friends John and JJ have become my go-to’s for home repair guidance and assistance, even making house calls when I need the help.

A year ago, this is not how I thought my story would go, and it’s certainly not what I wanted. Yet, I sit here, feeling grateful for the immense amount of support and love God has sent my way. During all of this, I have been incredibly sad, obviously, but I have always felt taken care of. It reminds of a quote I love, “What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God.”